Man Math and Mental Fuckery
"Sometimes I find myself in doubt spirals, like I used to when I started my business, and I ask myself is this all worth it, because hell I'll probably make like 2 bucks when this is all said and done."
I am an operations manager's worst nightmare, really.
They are organized, have minimal tabs open, and they know where to easily find things because they have a system in place.
And I am the polar opposite. I have my own woman system, that's kind of like man math.
You know man math—when your hubby wants to do a repair himself to save money, but instead spends $975 bucks on tools at Lowe's and takes 3 weeks to almost fix something right.
Yup, that's how this writing process has felt.
I've had my own Becca system throughout the process, and as I started to get momentum and I was cooking, I rolled with it. That's how I finished the first draft of the manuscript a few months ago, and that had 27 chapters.
We sorted shit and reviewed what I wrote over way the fuck too long only to realize that half the shit made no sense. Yes I know, broken ass record, we've covered that.
The "Oh Shit" Moment
So this week I found myself realizing I'd kinda done man math, aka went about it the hard way. And I'm still a bit confused.
I went to put things in chronological order and knew I had already written certain chapters, but for the love of all that's holy, I couldn't find them.
Finally, I did it with the help of an AI tool (thanks, Claude). And I got 12 of 18 chapters in order, but it feels lackluster, and I am second-guessing whether or not I eliminated too much as I weed-whacked down the first manuscript.
I honestly need to just finish the last 6 that are written but need tweaks and expansions, then see where I am, because I think it will be weak sauce, and the book would be as thin as my damn hair after having my daughter.
I wish I was baddie enough to maintain extensions—but alas, I am a bull in a china shop with all things high maintenance and that shit's expensive. I'd take Botox all day over extensions.
The Doubt Spiral
Sometimes I find myself in doubt spirals, like I used to when I started my business, and I ask myself is this all worth it, because hell I'll probably make like 2 bucks when this is all said and done.
I am realistic enough to know a first book won't be a revenue generating locomotive (at least not without supporting business plans, courses, or speaking gigs). It would be a dream if it was, but one step and one day at a time bitches.
The doubt spiral looks familiar:
What if nobody reads it?
What if it's not good enough?
What if I spent all this time for nothing?
But here's what I'm learning: the same doubt that tried to keep me in corporate is trying to keep me from finishing this book.
And just like I didn't let it win then, I'm not letting it win now.
Where I Actually Am
The Truth About "67% Done":
By chapter count: 12 of 18 chapters assembled (67%)
By word count: 32,822 words of 65,000-70,000 target (about 50%)
So really? I'm about halfway there.
The cancer chapters (11-12) were the hardest to write. Reliving the diagnosis, the ER judgment, the recliner prison, the darkness—that shit was visceral. But they're done now.
The remaining 6 chapters are clearer. Less traumatic. More about choosing what comes next instead of surviving what happened.
And that feels manageable.
What's Next
This week I'm tackling:
Chapter 13: The Starbucks Temptation (wanting to quit everything)
Chapter 14: What Cancer Actually Taught Me (the real lessons, not platitudes)
Expansions on chapters that need beef
After that? The final stretch. Part 4 of the book—choosing your fire instead of just surviving the flames.
The job offer. The decision to keep building. What I'm actually creating now.
The ending.
The Holiday Note
I can't believe Christmas is a week away.
My stepson is coming and I'm so excited. There's something about having everyone under one roof that makes the chaos worth it.
Jo and I are navigating the teen years (Lord help me)—which is its own special adventure—but we're doing it together. Lorelei and Rory Gilmore style.
The manuscript will still be here after the holidays. The chapters aren't going anywhere.
But these moments? They don't wait.
Manuscript Progress
Chapters completed: 12 of 18 (67% by count, 50% by word count)
This week:
✅ Chapter 11: Fuck Cancer (~2,400 words) - reconstructed/confirmed
✅ Chapter 12: Recliner Prison (~2,035 words) - reconstructed/confirmed
Current word count: 32,822 words
Target: 65,000-70,000 words
Chapters remaining: 6
Timeline: Finish remaining chapters, see where word count lands, adjust as needed
The Bottom Line
Man math. Woman system. Weak sauce manuscript fears.
It's all part of the process.
The doubt spiral is real. But so is the progress.
12 chapters done. The hardest ones behind me. 6 more to go.
One chapter at a time. One week at a time.
See you next week.
Be you.
